Life lessons learnt thru divorce
All in all, my divorce was pretty mellow. The kid’s mum and I are still good friends, and we still have a family unit. Not the normal family unit we all think of, but we can still hang out as a family, have fun and its been as pain free on the kids as possible. All in all, not too bad.
For me, the divorce threw me in at the deep end…BIG TIME! Not only did I have to go it solo, but I had my 2 grommets that I had to consider as well.
Most of the stuff that I truly suck at has been magnified 100%. I find it hard to get inspired in the kitchen (although I do love BBQing….grilling as its called here in the US), I pretty much suck financially, I procrastinate when it comes to cleaning, I would rather slam my head in a car door than grocery shop….but I never knew how much I sucked until I was being a “lone wolf” with every single detail of not only my life, but 50% of my kids time as well.
So here is a list of the things I have learned:
KEEP LEARNING AND TRYING: When I coach, I am a big believer in “mileage”. Basically, the more you do something, the better you get, and the more enjoyable it becomes. I have found this philosophy works in any facet of life. When I first got my own place, I dreaded cooking, but I had to make sure that my kids were eating well. To cook, APPARENTLY you have to shop. Combining 2 things that don’t particularly “rev my engine” was a double source of angst. But you know what, I really enjoy cooking now. I have become more creative, my kids actually LIKE my cooking, and I have managed to simplify things so that I am actually becoming more efficient. I am more efficient at shopping too, and this has helped to lower the bill a little bit…..but I still would prefer finding the car door than shop!
SCHEDULES ARE YOUR FRIEND: I’m a big picture guy. I get bored easily. I’m not always “on it” with details. I like to free wheel and wing it a lot. This does not work when raising kids. Thanks to the kid’s mum, who is super organized, I am gradually learning to get on top of that. I design schedules, plans, short term and long term goals, design training programs as part of my job….but have been remiss with it in my own life. So I am now coaching myself. Treating myself as one of my own athletes. Anyone with kids will tell you there is never enough hours in the day. For a single parent, that goes double! I now have a schedule. I know there are certain things I have to do every night to balance a house, a job, my kids and myself. And you know what? Its pretty cool! I like how my house looks when I clean it, I have become anal (for me anyway) about my kitchen, and my kids are buying in as well. You have to be scheduled!
ASK FOR HELP: Don’t be scared to ask for help! I am your typical bull headed, I can handle anything, I wont ask for help, Australian male. And that’s just idiotic! I was talking to a friend last night who is a single parent. She reminded me it takes a village to raise a child, and that is makes plain good sense to ask for help. It not only helps you, but helps your child be adaptable, responsible and form other great bonds with a close knit support group. No-one can be an expert at everything, and with your own kids, you just cant screw up by being too proud or arrogant to seek help. It’s for the best of your kids!
YOUR WEAKNESSES GET MAGNIFIED SO WORK ON THEM!: Embracing your weaknesses or fears is the best way to manage them. As I mentioned, I am missing the “responsible financial gene”. Its not I’m a spend thrift, or buy stupid things, its just I find it super complicated, and I dread looking at bills, bank statements. Call it my little phobia. I just like things simple. I have set up everything on bill pay. It has worked, mostly, until this week. This week has been beyond stressful, but it also highlighted that there are some things you cant figure out yourself. It made realize there are experts for my can help me manage this better, and I just reached out one. I think its important that once you have recognized a weakness, and you cant improve it YOURSELF no matter how hard you try, go get some help and work on that weakness.
KIDS ARE REMARKABLE AND ADAPTABLE: It has brought me and my kids closer. They love being with me, they love being with their mum. I really value that time. I love being a bigger part of their lives. I love raising them how I was raised. We have a lot of fun. The time flies fast so value it. The kids have bounced backed so well from the divorce, and are thriving.
PERSONAL TIME IS ESSENTIAL: Taking time for yourself is super important. Time to decompress. I doubt anyone feels awesome after a divorce. I definitely beat myself up for a good 6 months. It took me a while to take time to myself. Even just cleaning up my house is therapeutic. I take time to write these articles. Its awesome. It has enabled me to become comfortable with myself again. Its not selfish. If you are unhappy with yourself, others will be too. You only live with one person 24/7 and thats yourself, so treat yourself well!
SALT WATER THERAPY: Take a surf trip every year! It’s my passion, and you need to spoil yourself occasionally!
There are always positives in everything, even divorce. It can take time to find them, but they are there! Peace friends!
